My Bodyguard

I have become a Wikipedian. It's nice to write something that people will occasionally read, which is more than I can say for this blog. Unfortunately for my ego, people will also occasionally edit or even delete what I write. Now that I've finally got around to reading Wikipedia's policies I realize that my greatest accomplishment to date is entirely inappropriate. I'll let them find that out on their own but will reprint the article in this void for propriety.

MY BODYGUARD

== An Introduction to a New Era ==

It was 1980, fifteen years before Larry Clark would introduce us to his dark portrayal of young adults in ''Kids''. Films featuring teen characters were primarily nostalgic (''Grease'', ''American Graffiti'') or fantastic (''Carrie'', ''Friday the 13th'') and usually starred actors who had not been to school since their last parent-teacher conference. Realistic depictions of modern teen life were few and far between. That was about to change. Two movies opened the way for John Hughes, whose teen "melodramedies" would rule the rest of the decade; Adrian Lyne's second film ''Foxes'' and the directorial debut of Tony Bill, ''My Bodyguard''.

== Synopsis ==

Chris Makepeace (fresh from working with Bill Murray in ''Meatballs'') plays high-school student Clifford Peache, newly transferred to Chicago with his single hotel-manager father (''Fernwood 2-Night'''s Martin Mull). The new school offers a few friendly faces (including Joan Cusack as Shelly and an uncredited Jennifer Beals) but these are over-shadowed by the dark countenances of a band of toughs led by Moody (a pre-S.E.Hinton Matt Dillon). Moody is the sort of skinny, greasy-haired punk who compensates for his small stature with pure white-trash vitriol and a criminal cunning most likely cultivated from multiple viewings of ''The Godfather''. Moody and his boys offer "protection" from Ricky (Adam Baldwin of ''The Patriot'' and ''Serenity''), the school boogeyman. Rumors abound that he shot a cop, raped a teacher; the only hope for survival is to turn over your lunch money. Being the sort of protagonist that would make Gregory Peck proud, Clifford doesn’t allow his complete lack of fighting ability to sway him from the path of righteousness. He refuses to succumb to their extortion. This results in the sort of bullying that, in a time of metal-detectors and massacres, seems quaint; after-school chases, basketball fouls, and locker stuffing. Nevertheless, it all becomes too much for Clifford who finally gives in to paying the protection money; to Ricky.

The hulking pariah agrees to serve, for a fee, as Clifford’s bodyguard. The effect this has on Moody’s gang is tremendous. Apparently, they’ve grown to believe their own hype and back down from Ricky without a fight. Clifford attempts to build a friendship with his new henchman, but Ricky will have nothing to do with that. They maintain a business relationship until Moody hires his own bodyguard. Mike looks like the sort that should have finished school when Elvis died, but not so tough that a badass like Ricky couldn’t handle. Ricky does not respond though as Mike and Moody subject him to verbal taunts and physical abuse. He stands idly as they vandalize his newly rebuilt motorcycle and throw it into a pond. Why won't he fight back?

The truth about Ricky’s past soon follows. While they played with a gun his younger brother was shot and killed. He isn’t a cold-hearted maniac. He’s a damaged loner with no desire to become close to anyone and less desire to ''hurt'' anyone. Clifford, with the help of his eccentric Gramma (Ruth Gordon of ''Harold and Maude'' fame), helps Ricky heal this old wound. Ricky then encourages his new friend to stand up for himself. The movie ends in a good ol’ fashioned fistfight that culminates in Moody’s amateur rhinoplasty.


== Western Thematics ==

The film bears the brand of the Old West morality plays. The character of Clifford evokes the honest cowboys of ''Gunfight at the O.K. Corral'' and ''Tin Star'', while Ricky is the gunfighter with the shadowed past a la ''High Plains Drifter''. Perhaps a better example would be the Jimmy Stewart/John Wayne relationship in ''The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance''. Their working together to rebuild the motorcycle is reminiscent of the stump removal scene in ''Shane''. Moody is the pizza-faced incarnation of Bruce Dern's character in ''The Cowboys''. Just as in these films the characters learn that sometimes you must forget about the past, forget about making peace, and just fight. Fight to win.

The Poppy Fields

It was my intention to write about the greatest rock & roll hoax since the death of Paul McCartney, The Alarm's masquerade as a new, young Welsh band known as The Poppy Fields. I realize immediately that I am underqualifyed for the task. I had to use Google just to find out the name of the lead singer (it's Mike Peters). During my research I discovered this blog post. Here you will find intelligent, insightful musical criticism. I'll stick with atheistic rantings and borderline racist, armchair critiques of gratuitous Hip-Hop performances.

Biting The Hand That Feeds

I guess I'll never understand how Google works. In search of this blog's title it ranked 17 of 46 results. Not that bad, but how can it be out-classed by typos and a possible plagiarist?(Her first post comes mere weeks after mine.) Even more confusing is the fact that these are "personalized" results. Yahoo! ranks me number 4, much better.

It's really getting frustrating to be posting to an exclusive audience of spambots.

 One thing I loathe more than a narrow-minded religious zealot is an open-minded religious zealot. Homosexual Baptists, pro-choice Catholics, and feminist Muslims are oxymoronic with a heavy dose of the moronic. They profess their faith in the tenets and leaders who expressly forbid their behavior and beliefs. Although they may possess the strength of will to follow their own moral code and common sense where it contradicts sacred doctrine and Papal dictate, but are incapable of wholly rejecting their loyalty to their oppressors. They would rather reinterpret the ideology of their religion than to admit its failure. Still others make no allowances and opt for an existence of contradiction.
 Take my fundamentalist Christian lesbian friend. Please. She is up in the air over the “nature vs. nurture” argument, most likely possessing an aversion to debate, but asserts that she has been gay for as long as she can remember. She is also aware that she is condemned to Hell. Her most disconcerting declaration is that at the age of seventeen the Lord spoke to her, telling her to come out to her parents. What sort of person follows the advice of the one who has damned you to eternal torment?
While I’m daring to be so impoliticly correct let me ask this question; what’s the deal with the African-American/Jesus Christ relationship? Down to the most impious and criminal, every misogynistic rapper and murderous gang-banger claims a bond with the Christian God. How does one embrace so fully the religion foisted on their ancestors by their slave-masters? Perhaps it’s one of those ancient black secrets like the menthol cigarette preference and use of the “N-word”, meant to keep their oppressors off balance as a form of subversive retaliation. They’ve activated my liberal white guilt for asking a simple question, very clever.
 I think I’ve pissed off enough of the populace. Let me say in my defense that I am not one of those atheists who oppose religious belief, an ‘anti-theist’. My stance on Christianity is much the same as homosexuality and any other practice I do not myself indulge.
Do no harm;
Stay out of government;
Do not spread lies and illogical arguments for personal or political gain;
Sometimes I like to watch.

Failed Celebrity Geneology

I just wasted a small portion of my time trying to prove that radio DJ Dr.Demento is the father of the bandmembers of Hanson. This all started when I stumbled upon Dr. D's biography and was reminded that his real name is Barry Hansen. From here my mind made the quantum leap to the Hanson video "River" in which Weird Al Yankovic directed and starred. Prior to Weird Al's success with his parody of Michael Jacksons "Beat It", the only way you were likely to hear him was by listening to him live on the Dr. Demento Show. Therefore Hanson's father is Dr. Demento. I cannot find anything to confirm or deny this which is as much as a denial.
This is not the first time that all the useless trivia in my head has gotten jumbled and attempted to make false connections. In my childhood I was confused by the war comic character Sergeant York as I couldn't understand what he had to do with the two Dicks that played the two Darrins on "Bewitched". I thought Olivia Newton-John was married to Elton John (hey, what did I know then about homosexuality). Hell, just last week I was watching TVLand and became convinced that "The Brady Bunch"s Barry Willams must be the brother of "Happy Days"s Anson Williams. This was cleared up (sort of) by Barry himself at his personal website:
Happy Days started just as the Brady's were winding up our run. I visited the set several times. They are a very nice group of actors and I have done work with Anson Williams and Donny Most. Also I have done some promotional work for Nick at Nite with Gary Marshall. He is a very funny guy and I recommend his book "Wake Me When It's Funny" to any aspiring actor.
Damn the Internet!

Firefox™ Tutor - Firefox Help and Tips » Prefetch Myth

"Ed Bott, from Ed Bott’s Windows Expertise, explains in detail the beginnings of the “/prefetch:1″ myth and conclusively dis-counts it’s credibility as an effective tweak.

The popular beleif that adding “/prefetch:1″ to the end of the “Target” field on your program shortcuts will speed the loading of that program has gained a lot of momentum since it’s beginnings, which were based completely on a few assumptions. The momentum can be seen both in the approximately 10,000 web pages that claim this myth to be true (many of which are specifically intended to tell Firefox users how to speed up their browser), and in the opinion of Ryan Myers, a developer on Microsoft’s Windows Client Performance Team; “I suspect that the ‘add /prefetch:1 to make rocket go now’ urban legend will never die, though. I know that at least one major company ships products with it in their shortcuts, without ever asking us… just for good measure, I guess.”

Prefetching of Windows applications works by Windows temporarily saving some of the information required to load the application in a special “Prefetch” folder, so that the next time the program runs, Windows can start it faster. When someone observed that Windows Media Player (installed by default in Windows XP) had the switch /prefetch:1 at the end of it’s shortcut target, they assumed that

1. This meant the WMP was being instructed to use Application Prefetch, and
2. That this could be done with any program.

Application Prefetching is an option in Windows that is turned on by default (which would make all applications prefetch). So what doesn’t make sense is that they are saying that adding /prefetch:1 to try to tell the application to use Application Prefetch, is supposed to speed up the loading of an application that is already using Application Prefetch in the first place.

Read rest of article here...

The Mysterious Case of the Missing Detective

Long before Tolkienites, Trekkies and Potterheads crowded convention centers and camped out in ticket lines there were the Sherlockians. Possibly the oldest conglomeration of obsessive geekdom,they formed such diverse groups as the worldwide Baker Street Irregulars and Memphis, Tennessee's The Giant Rats of Sumatra. Why then are they so absent from the World Wide Web, bastion of fanatical categorization?

Well, not absent. Google "sherlock holmes" and you will receive just over 4.2 million hits. Though if you compare that to "star trek" with 20.9 million and a whopping 37.4 million for relative newcomer "harry potter" then the consulting detective disappears into the shadowy fog.

I have been searching in vain for a comprehensive list of the characters who inhabited Doyle's universe. Such things exist for popular television like The Simpsons and obscure underground comic Love & Rockets. Other than many online collections of the Holmes' canon and pastiches, the most extensive site I have found is from these nerds who've chosen to share their love of all things Sherlock with this huge gallery of their pasty faces.

Come now, I know you have internet access and time on your hands. Get to work on the Sherlock Holmes Character Database before this rank amateur is forced to take on the task himself.

Dave Chappelle

I completely missed the boat on the latest Chappelle news. I knew that there were no new episodes of his show airing but, hey, it was summer. I heard comments about his being in Africa. I thought he might be taking part in some relief effort or perhaps just exploring his roots. Maybe even filming segments for the new season.

Well if you're interested and too lazy to Google his name yourself, here's the straight dope.

Early reports were balanced between claiming he had entered rehab and that he was in a mental institution. Neither of these have been corroborated by a reliable source. According to a recent Time interview, Dave is just trying to get his shit together spiritually and figure out who his real friends are in the aftermath of his 50 million dollar deal with Comedy Central.

In a recent appearance on Jimmey Kimmel Live, goddess Sarah Silverman claimed she would be taking over the hosting duties on Chappelle's Show. A joke befitting her humor but it isn't a joke. This is awesome. The Arsenio Hall Show was born of Hall's guest-hosting for an AWOL Joan Rivers. Will The Sarah Silverman Hour be long in coming? I have my fingers crossed.

Correction: Apparrently my first assumption was correct. It is a joke. Further investigation has found that the only ones corroborrating this info are idiots (like me) perpetuating the myth on their blogs. How much do you want to bet I'm the first to admit I had my head up my ass?

Just Kill Me

Warning! Do not use the word "maps" spelled backwards in your blog. It apparently attracts assholes. My blog recieves little traffic. My previous post though recieved 3 comments overnight which follow (links have been disabled)...

Anonymous said...

I'm waching blogs all day long and I found yours which is really nice :)

viagra

8:41 PM

Anonymous said...

This blog is awesome! If you get a chance you may want to visit this cat furniture site, it's pretty awesome too!

8:50 PM

Anonymous said...

This is a excellent blog. Keep it going. I'm sure you'd be interested in How to buy & sell everything, like electric scooter on interest free credit; pay whenever you want.

8:54 PM

At first I was flattered and then overcome with horror. Was this a joke? If it were it would be right up my alley and fucking hilarious. But I think not. Is word verification not enough to dissuade this evil? Do these bastards get paid by the post or by the click? Attention fuckwads: unrelated comments will be deleted. Don't waste your time or mine.